The Joy of the Lord is your Strength
Where is the light? Such a dark and dreary morning 🙁
This is the hard thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving on the days when the fatigue falls heavy like cold, wet snow and the light refuses to shine through the fog.
When getting out of bed is a monstrous task and getting dressed takes a herculean effort.
I open my eyes…
It is Saturday
It is dark
The heaviness suffocates.
I close my eyes and force John 1:1-14 through my half awake brain
“In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God……”
And on I go through all 14 verses.
I open my eyes again.
Tears threaten to fall.
I breathe deeply.
I’ve slept as long as I can, I must get up.
Hard grace.
I don’t have the luxury of quitting- to quit is to stop altogether and the starting back up takes months.
I touch the cold floor with my bare feet – grounded.
Even the cat protests – he would sleep all day snuggled next to me.
I kiss his furry head, apologize and stand.
Shower,clothes – the basic things – like moving through quicksand – but they ground me – routine – my body knows what to do automatically, I don’t have to direct.
Breakfast – I eat but don’t taste.
Devotions are dry, the words swim in front of my eyes – the tears interfere with my reading.
Why Lord -why this morning.
Why not? my brain reminds me.
I read, I tuck what I can of His Word in my heart – for now, for later.
It is living – it will find its way to where it needs to be whether I am processing it or not.
I flip back the pages and see the declaration I highlighted yesterday :
My life is deeply rooted and well-watered.
My soul is covered in God’s glory.
Yes, deeply rooted and well-watered – God’s Word in me, living, breathing – allowing me to unfurl this clenched fist and receive Grace for this morning.
“And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us and we beheld His glory as of the only begotten full of grace and truth.” John 1:14
His glory – full of grace and truth.
My experience is truth – I struggle – it is real.
But His Glory covers me – and His Grace allows me to shed the tears, read the Words, push away from the table and begin the day. Late, weary, but knowing beyond knowing that His joy resides deep within me – it cannot be touched by my experiences or circumstances. It is truth.
“For the joy of the LORD is your strength”. Nehemiah 8:10
Each day is a journey. Each day’s path looks a little different. Today’s is not a bright, green with life, Spring like path – but tomorrow may be.
I push on in hope.
Hands unclenched
Not existence, not surviving, but radical, arms and hands open wide, twirling barefoot in the grass, head back, abandoned laughter, don’t care who is looking, kind of living
Even on the hard days
Especially on the hard days
Unfurled in spite of